The Mystery of the Missing Perch - A Play in One Act

From the Robinson family album, early 1900s (NLI)

 The Mystery of the Missing Perch

a play in one act by

The Drogheda Independent

first performed on 5th December 1896 at Drogheda Harbour Office

Scene: the Harbour Office at Drogheda, 1st December 1896

Cast of Characters, in order of appearance:

The Engineer - dressed in filthy blue overalls, face coated in oil, wields a spanner

The Secretary - lips blue from chewing a biro, frequently goes and makes cups of tea for those in attendance

Reynolds - a foreshore worker, wears a cloth cap and hobnailed boots

Messrs McEvoy and Nulty - board members, wear bowler hats and frock coats

Mr Weldon, the Chair - four legs, made of pinewood

Curtain opens

The Harbour Board is in session
The Engineer is explaining that the South Bar perch, 300m out to sea from the Aleria beacon, has disappeared and he can't find any other explanation, except that it had been knocked down by a passing vessel. He suspects a certain screw boat has hit it (it seems to show traces of a recent impact) but both the captain and the pilot have denied all knowledge of a collision. 

Engineer: The perch is only three years old and last Sunday night was very calm,
Secretary: None of the Boyne Commissioners' men reported the matter to the Harbour Office. An employee of the Commissioners, it appears, made ineffectual efforts to find Pilot Garvey and I have summoned this employee to see if further light can be shed on the matter.
Enter Reynolds, smoking a cigarette. He is made to stand before the board

Reynolds: The bar perch was all right on Sunday night but it was down at daylight on Sunday morning.

Secretary: Did you send word to the office here?

Reynolds: I sent a son of mine to the Engineer and told him to tell Captain Morgan (of the Steam Packer service) and Mr Archer too, and to call at the Harbour Office as well.

Secretary: He didn't call here.

Reynolds: I understand there was one before me here but I didn't send him off at once as I wanted to see whether I could make out was the perch broken or what. (To Mr McEvoy) I couldn't say how it was knocked down but it didn't fall anyway. I was up at 3 o'clock and it was a fine night.

Secretary: Did you tell me a few minutes ago that it was dark?

Reynolds: Allow me for one moment ...

Secretary: Answer my question!

Reynolds: It was that dark I couldn't see the bar from the bank.

Mr McEvoy: It was a beautiful morning.

Secretary: A fine moonlit morning, as bright as it is now.

Reynolds: I never passed any remark about it.

Mr Nulty: Did you see it? You said you were up at 3 o'clock? Did you see the perch there then?

Reynolds: I never passed any remark upon it.

Mr Weldon: You weren't struck as strange that the perch wasn't there?

Reynolds: No, not until the daylight came.

Mr Weldon: Did you see the North Bar Perch?

Reynolds: I didn't pass any remarks on anything. The first time I noticed that the South Bar Perch was gone was about 7 o'clock.

Mr Nulty: And what time did you send in word?

Reynolds: Going on to 10 o'clock.

Mr Weldon: From 9 to 10 you did nothing about it?

Reynolds: I went out to see how the perch fell.

Mr Nulty: That was three hours after. What time, Mr Engineer, did you get word?

Engineer: A little before ten?

Reynolds: I went out to see did anything strike it but there was a strong ground swell on at the time and I couldn't get aside of it to see.

Mr Weldon: Your son didn't come near the office at all, it appears?

Reynolds: It was always to the Engineer I used to go with such messages.

Mr Nulty: But you sent word to Mr Archer?

Reynolds: Yes, as well as to this office.

Mr Nulty: If this office sent you to Mr Archer for your cheque, what would you say?

Reynolds: Sure, ye wouldn't like anything to happen one of the steamboats?

Mr McEvoy: If there was any damage done to a ship in consequence, who would have to pay it, do you think?

Secretary: He doesn't know. You'd have to pay it.

Mr McEvoy: And it wasn't worth his while to send word in here!

Reynolds, in reply to Mr McNulty: The screw boat passed up that morning about half past five. I saw her and Garvey was the pilot on her.

Mr Nulty: That is an important thing to know.

Reynolds: I wasn't out but the light keeper, Mr Tottenham saw her up and down. I saw her going on the bar and went away. The screw could get near enough to strike the perch and get off all right, as the ground sloped very quickly there. I saw a wooden vessel perform this feat many years ago. Reynolds is ordered to be in attendance before the board at its next meeting.

Secretary: Why did you tell me it was dark at half past five yesterday morning?

Reynolds: You wanted to know from me why I didn't see it

Mr Nulty: What induced you to say it was dark when it was light?

Reynolds: The Harbour Master asked me twice why I didn't see it and I suppose I said it was too dark.

Secretary: Did you tell me it was dark?

Reynolds: I did indeed but it was a bright night.

Mr Nulty: You admit now it was light. What induced you to say it was dark?

Reynolds (indicating Secretary): He induced me. (laughter)

Secretary: I did not. That's not true.

Reynolds: You asked me why I didn't see the perch and why I didn't report it.

Mr Weldon: You are to be here on Tuesday next and you'll have the pleasure of paying the man that reported the matter here.

Mr Nulty: As the lightkeeper saw the screw, perhaps he'd be able to give us definite information on the point?

Engineer: I was talking to the light keeper and he said that anything he would say to me would be in the strictest confidence, as his board would not allow him to mix himself up with these local matters at all.

Mr Nulty: That is strange, as the present light keeper's predecessor had no such instructions, as far as I know.

Secretary (to Reynolds): There is an order of the board that 5s is to be stopped from you and given to the man who reported this matter here.

Reynolds: Ye ought to keep it all, I suppose.

In reply to questions from the board, the Secretary says the Steampacket Company had paid £70 towards the re-erection of the North Bar Perch which had been knocked down by one of their vessels a few years before.

Exeunt, pursued by a bar