Teach solais nua do Cill Mhantáin

A lot of people are calling it grossly unfair but Wicklow town (Irish: Cill Mhantáin or 'Wickler') is getting another lighthouse. 

Not content with having three beautiful specimens on Wickler Head and a very chic lighthouse, complete with new bonnet, on the pier, a fifth pharological building is being erected just south of the Black Castle by the harbour. There won't be any shipwrecks for want of a light on this part of the coastline anyway. I bet they're bullin' down in Arkler, a town famous for its lack of lighthouses unless you count that pole on a corrugated iron shed at the end of the Roadstone jetty.

This post could really be subtitled 'How to build a lighthouse,' if you're one of those people who learns how to do exciting new things, like changing a hoover bag or putting the clock forward an hour in your car, from YouTube videos. Ikea have a range of flat-pack lighthouses in stock. Open the boxes, heeding the no-knives symbol and using your fingernails, and then spread the contents out on the ground and check them off against the incomprehensible contents sheet. Then go and have a cup of coffee and a lie down.

When you've run out of excuses, you build the ground floor. It is important not to build the first floor first (despite its name) because it raises a lot of logistical problems. It may be necessary, as in the Jimmy O'Connor photo on top of the page, to hire a man with extremely long legs to stand in the middle of building to keep an eye on its roundness. There are, granted, some square or even octagonal lighthouses, but roundy ones are the best and you wouldn't want to stray into the elliptical.

The Michael Kelly photo above clearly shows the benefit of correct planning. The 1st floor has now been built over the ground floor and it too is of circular design. It is not recommended to mix mathematical shapes in lighthouse construction, particularly in the tower. Note the long-legged shape-watcher is now walking on stilts like the entertainment at a street festival. Some people build the first floor separately and then lift it into position but that only works om really small lights.

The Michael Kelly photo above shows that a door and a window have been placed in the tower. Eagle-eyed viewers will of course have spotted the glaring design flaw, that the door has not been inserted at ground level. This means only agile keepers who can perform a decent Fosbury flop will be able to access the entrance. 

It is advisable at this stage to start building the ancillary buildings, the keeper's dwelling, the oil sheds, the barn for the goat, and the toilets. As can be seen in Michael Kelly's picture above, these can be made out of cardboard, Simply cut out the windows and doors (get a responsible child to help you), stick them all together with sellotape and Fanny's your aunt. They'll be sturdy enough for the benign and balmy Wickler weather, that's for sure.

At this stage, you might consider giving your tower a lick of paint. Cobalt blue is a good colour and one that has been successfully tried at practically no Irish lighthouses whatsoever. Then it is time for the lantern housing. You'll probably need to erect a scaffolding first as Daddy Longlegs might not be able to reach it, even on tippytoes. With the help of a few strong and sturdy men (of which there is an abundance in Wickler), gently lift the five-ton lantern up the outside of the tower and place it carefully on top. Try and centre it, or it will look silly. And make sure you have it the right way up.

Now, look around and try and remember where you left the dome. It's the strange hat-shaped object with the ball on top (see phot by Jimmy O'Connor photo above, if you're unsure) Then hire a competent and preferably sober helicopter pilot to lower the dome carefully onto the lantern. It may be an idea, as Michael Kelly's snap below clearly demonstrates, to have  a man in a red jacket standing on the scaffold to catch the dome if it slips off.

Now its time to affix your railings. These are important as it gives resting seabirds somewhere to alight and shite all over your gallery floor. The railings come in sections and you will need an Allen key to join them together. It is important that the sections of railings completely encircle the lantern, particularly if you will be using the lighthouse as a party venue.

Remove the scaffolding. Look how well it blends into the landscape, like a chameleon. Well, actually, it's pretty useless as a daymark if its indistinguishable from its surroundings. Only thing missing now is the light.

Buy an LED bulb from Delahunt's, which used to be next to the Forge but probably isn't any longer. Shows how long I've been away. Can you still buy a pint of Guinness and a block of cheese in Paddy O'Connors? (photo Trevor Quinn)

Train up a current popular thespian in the art of wick-trimming. We used someone called Jason Statham (photo by Jimmy O'Connor)